Adoption: How to Talk With Your Child About Being Adopted

Toddlers

Toddlers ask a lot of "what" questions, such as "What was my name before I was adopted?" They're curious about what they observe and physically experience. At this age, you should look for chances to explain your child's story. Focus on the positive. For example,

• "Wow, look at that tiny baby! We were so happy when we first met you in China! Look how much you have grown!"

• "Your toes are brown because your birth mother has beautiful brown skin, like you do. My toes are pink, like Grandma's toes."

Children's books are also a valuable resource at this stage.

Preschoolers

Preschoolers often ask "why" questions, such as "Why did my birth mother give me away?" They're starting to understand more about themselves, and they're curious about many things. Here are some examples of what to say.

• "Your birth parents were having hard problems of their own and could not take care of a baby when you were born."

• "Sometimes people in the country where you were born have problems that make it hard to take care of a baby. They made sure that you were with people who would take care of you and find you a family."

Here are other tips if you have a preschooler.

• Preschoolers are self-centered, thinking the world is all about them. They need to know that being placed away from their birth parents was not their fault; they were not "bad."

• Preschoolers have no sense of timing or privacy. Parents and other caregivers should help them understand what to share publicly and what to talk about at home.

• Preschoolers love repetition. Be prepared to repeat stories.

• Turn telling your family's story into a cherished event.

• Create a "life book," with pictures and stories that include important phases, events, and transitions from your child's earlier life. You can keep adding to the book throughout his childhood.

School-aged Children

School-aged children who are adopted want details, such as "How much did it cost to adopt me?" or "Do I have brothers and sisters?" They may even want to know whether their birth parents loved each other.

Children at this age can start to understand facts without these negatively affecting their own identities. This is the ideal age to begin sharing any difficult information from the past, including whether the child experienced or witnessed abuse, trauma, rape, incest, or substance use.

Children at this age may also start to be more influenced by their peers. Some peers may ask your child about his adoption. You can help your child decide when and with whom to share this information. Be prepared for peers who may tease your child about racial or physical differences. You may need to work together with schools to teach respectful language and behaviors and to address racism, bullying, and other negative behaviors.

Teens

Even if you think your teen thinks you are out of touch, he still values your input. Be open to talking about his adoption and general teen concerns. Also, keep in mind that the teen years are a time when children are trying to figure out their identity. Family, peers, media, and popular culture may influence identity.

If your child joined your family as an older child or a teen, figuring out his identity can be more difficult, because he needs to figure out how his birth parents and adoptive parents influence his identity.